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Top 5 Pseudo-Profound Horror Movie Quotes
From an early age, Halloween has been my favorite holiday, at least in a theoretical sense. I may have looked forward to, even enjoyed, Christmas more, but the mere fact that there was an entire month that we, as a society, were asked to celebrate zombies, ghosts and various creatures of the night that prey on human flesh appealed to me on a fundamental level.

In addition, Halloween (and subsequently, October) have become a sort of de facto appreciation of the horror film, an undervalued genre if there ever was one. I've been watching a lot of horror films lately, not the truly scary Hitchcock and Coppola suspense exercises, but the absurd and self-knowing genre applications that fall somewhere between actual horror and comedy, without every explicitly letting the audience know which side of the fence they're really on. I like that. I enjoy knowing fear and humor are so close to each other that there's a point where you literally can't tell them apart anymore, and i think the films that indulge in this strange paradox of human emotion have a tendency to stumble into some truly profound criticisms of modern society and the human condition as a whole.

In that spirit, then, here is a quick list, just off the top of my head:

Top 5 Pseudo-Profound Horror Movie Quotes

5. Anything Bruce Campbell has ever said.
The undisputed king of surrealist horror film psychology is, of course, Bruce Campbell playing the character Ash in the venerable 'Evil Dead' trilogy. Campbell can make just about any line sound funnier and more important than it would have otherwise (for proof, look no further than his repeated, sometimes completely unprovoked, use of the word "groovy"), but here's a choice line from each of the 'Evil Dead' films. In chronological order:

"We can't bury Shelly. She's a friend of ours."
(Evil Dead)

"Let's head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch."
(Evil Dead II)

"Don't touch that, please. Your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and things with... molecular structures."
(Army of Darkness)

Hail to the king, baby.

4. "You think this is a fucking costume? This is a way of life!"
-Suicide (Return of the Living Dead)

'Return of the Living Dead' is perhaps one of the greatest films ever made. The plot supposes George A. Romero's 'Night of the Living Dead' was based on a true story and watches what happens when a group of 1980s punks get caught in a cemetery during the zombie's second uprising. When the film begins, it's easy to dismiss it as one of the numerous '80s teen movies seeking to exploit a certain subculture (punk-rock, in this case) without having as much as an inclination as to what that sub-culture is actually like.

Give it a fair chance, though, and you begin to notice subtle little details- the appearance of the Damned and the Cramps in the soundtrack, for example- that allude to the fact that 'Living Dead' isn't another demographic-targeted exercise in stereotypes á la 'Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo'.

In fact, 'Living Dead' is a criticism against that kind of by-committee film making. It's written in a stream of conscious style that guesses at and successfully delivers everything a well-versed horror film fan would want out of a zombie movie. From the auspicious beginnings in a science-supply store to a climax in a boarded up chapel, 'Living Dead' provides precisely what it promises while peppering the action with some of the most legitimately hilarious scenes to ever grace a gore flick.

The characters of 'Living Dead' are a microcosm of the various outcasts seen in the John Hughes era of American cinema. Freddy is the the likeable leader, Tina his preppy (but probably unpopular) girlfriend. Chuck is the nerdy Talking Heads type while Casey, his unrequited New-Wave love. Scuz is the more straight-forward Sex Pistols punk, Spider, the token black guy.

Out of the many and varied examples of absurdity present in the film, i chose the line quoted above spoken by Suicide. Besides having perhaps the coolest name of any character ever, Suicide is the hardcore punk in the group. He definitely listens to a lot of Dead Kennedys. In this quote he's speaking to Trash, the gang's resident sexy slut, who has decided to strip and dance naked on the tombstones. I told you this movie had it all!

As Trash is wriggling at his crotch, she says something about how Suicide needs to learn how to relax, at which Suicide motions to his studded leather jacket, the lip ring chained to his ear piercing, and says: "You think this is a fucking costume? This is a way of life!"

Did 'Living Dead' just casually dismiss an entire generation of misguided youth or justify their entire political and societal statement with a single profanity-laden line? Doesn't matter; it's hilarious either way.

3. "Sometimes, Otto, to know death you must fuck life. In the gal bladder."
-Baron Frankenstein (Flesh for Frankenstein)

'Flesh for Frankenstein' is one of those self-knowing horror films that's one penetration scene away from becoming pornography. The plot centers on the good doctor himself who decides to create a female version of his famous monster for reasons that would probably get him on the sexual offender list had that existed in early 20th century Transylvania.

This particular line comes when Frankenstein's assistance, Otto, walks in on the doctor and his newly found corpse in a compromising position on the operating table. The quote probably speaks for itself but, suffice it to say, Dr. Frankenstein is not a man who limits himself to just one (or two (or three)) ways to express his love. To a cadaver.

2. "If there's a second world, i promise you something: From the grave, i'll come back."
-Antoine Gottvalles (French Sex Murders)

There's not too much to say about 'French Sex Murders' that can't be summed up in its own title. It is a film about people who have sex, than are murdered, in France. But it is a stylish flick and it often inadvertently slips into a sort poetic beauty by way of its own awkward translating. The "from the grave, i'll come back" line is my personal favorite. I love when people go out of their way to say a simple thing in the most inelegant way possible, and this is a fine example of that little-seen art.

1. "I have come here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and i'm all out of bubblegum."
-Nada (They Live)

Of course, the ultimate pseudo-profound horror movie quote has always and will always belong to a one Roddy Piper, his stylish mullet, his super-powered sunglasses and his adoration (yet painful absence) of bubblegum. Technically the words Piper said in John Carpenter's classic 'They Live' was "chew bubblegum and kick ass", not the other way around, but history has rendered the order switched and, as Borges tells us, the memory of a thing is much more important than the thing itself.

This particular memory alludes to a line so perfect that it could never have come from the pen: Piper improv-ed the line as they were shooting the scene. One of the most famous sentences ever uttered from mortal lips, and it came off the top of his head!

If you haven't seen 'They Live', you're missing out on one of the most utterly absurd films ever put to celluloid. In it, Piper, as the blue-coller hero Nada, discovers a pair of sunglasses that clear away the stupor created by a capitalist, corporate America and allows him to see things as they truly are- literally in plain black and white.

The truths he discovers: white-collar executives, politicians and snoody old women alike are all actually aliens sent from another planet to co-opt the human race into one giant slave-labor force. The media, also controlled by extra-terrestrial influence, projects inane nonsense into the national zeitgeist to keep the Earthlings stupid and complacent and everything from billboard advertising to national news is littered with subliminal messages commanding Americans to "OBEY", "CONSUME" and "REPRODUCE".

(My favorite subliminal message is found on the common dollar bill: "THIS IS YOUR GOD".)

So it's up to Nada and his fellow construction worker Frank to save civilization from the alien menace, even if it ultimately means sacrificing themselves.

There's some real deep, Marxist shit going down in 'They Live', but thankfully John Carpenter has the foresight to keep the mood saturated with levity and absurdity which actually manages to make the point stronger (see also: 'Total Recall' and every other film ever made by Paul Verhoven). The other benefit of staying on the lighter side of corporate fascism is that we get to delve into the amazing psyche of Roddy Piper with lines like the aforementioned bubble gum quip, and these other gems:

"Brother, life's a bitch- and she's back in heat."

"You look like your face fell in a cheese dip back in 1957."

"You see, i take these glasses off: she looks like a regular person, doesn't she? Put them back on: Formaldehyde-Face!"

I won't bore you by intellectualizing these brilliant words (or at least not any more than i already have), but i will say this: Roddy Piper? Long over-due for a lifetime achievement award.